Maybe baby?

The sharp eyed among will surely have spotted a distinct lack of crafting going around these parts. I’m still reading all my favourite blogs and coming up with ideas of things I could do, I just don’t really have the time or inclination to do any of it at the moment. This blog is evolving a wee bit too, with more posts about me and my thoughts. Partly this is down to my new job – when I have a bit of quiet time now I’m able to take 15 minutes writing down some of the ideas rattling around in my head. So far the reaction has been good – I’m tickled pink at the compliments I got for my writing, so hopefully you are enjoying this slightly different direction. Without further ado….

As a preface to this, I should say I’m not writing this to look for reassurance or anything like that, it’s just another in a series of random musings which have been rattling about in my head.

It’s a shocking bit of gender stereotyping, but I’ve always loved babies. One of my earliest memories is of breastfeeding my teddy bear. Apparently when I was taken to the hospital to meet my new brother I threw my dolly out of my pram and insisted he be put in there instead. I remember the pram, but not this and given that Sean and I spent the following 19 years fighting like cat and dog, I suspect my parents might be making this up. However, babies have always fascinated me. I’m always first in the queue for a cuddle with the wee ones or to throw the bigger ones around. Among friends I was always the one who said ‘when I have kids’ not ‘if I have kids’. Now though, I’m not so sure.

I’m not where I thought I would be at this age – let’s be honest, I imagine few of us are. Life is what happens when you are making other plans. When I was at school, I blithely imagined by the time I was 30 I would be married with a couple of children – the classic suburban dream. It’s not an especially original assumption and a number of my school colleagues have achieved it with precious little hassle. I have not and for the most part I am ok with that. Now I am beginning to wonder if I will achieve it – and, more to the point, will I really be unhappy if I don’t? I am aware my biological clock is ticking – and yes, I am also aware that at (almost) 31, I still have a number of potential child bearing years in front of me, but do I want to be a first time mum at 37? Or 42? Not really. Also (at the risk of sounding like the most awful prig) do I want to bring a child into an already very overcrowded world? Am I emotionally even close to ready to be a mum? I’m not so sure. I have to remind myself from time to time that I am almost 31, because in my head I don’t feel any different to how I did in my mid 20s. Of course, this is all entirely academic as I am single and not doing the thing which makes babies. Mind you, in these liberated 21st century days you don’t necessarily need to be doing that thing – there is always what I crudely call the ‘turkey baster’ route. Friends have asked if I would ever consider going along this route and honestly, my answer would have to be no. For one thing I couldn’t afford to do it privately ( I wouldn’t use the NHS for something like this), for another I would feel appallingly guilty using a service designed for couples who have problems conceiving, when I have, as far as I know, no problems in this area.

I don’t regret any of the choices I have made in my career. I do regret many of the choices I’ve made in my personal life, but then, who doesn’t? However, all these choices have brought me to where I am now and that’s a pretty good place. I suppose what I’m doing now is making my peace with a situation which may not – but could – come to pass. I could be swept off my feet tomorrow and be in the family way within weeks or it might never happen. Either way, it’s ok. I suppose the only pang of regret I might have, is that my parents wouldn’t be grandparents, but then again my brother may come up trumps on that front. In the end I would like to be more than just me, but I’m ok if that doesn’t come to pass.


About paddymade

Thirtysomething PR type, Northern Ireland born and bred, now residing in Aberdeen. I drink tea (a lot), swear (loudly) and craft (badly) This is my little corner of the internet, pull up a chair and get comfortable :)
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One Response to Maybe baby?

  1. 5currantbuns says:

    I was the opposite of you, I never saw myself as having children. A friend once remarked to me (assuming I was waiting until I had reached the right point in my career) that there was never a “right time to have a child” (implication I guess was “just do it, don’t wait)… I was 31 before I met someone I was happy to wake up next to everyday, J was an accident (who I actively chose to keep) who turned just before my 34th birthday. All I can say on motherhood is that I wish I had the energy of my 20’s but otherwise I am happy that I am a “late mum”, I’ve had my “wild” youth and mentally I’m better able to cope with being a mum than I would have when younger.

    Being a mum has its positives and negatives, as does not being a Mum. I am glad I have J but then again if he hadn’t have turned up I don’t thinkI would have regretted not having him.

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