I am – to quote Jed Bartlett, the finest President America never had – a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist. I always have been. I believe in the welfare state and trade unions. I believe in education when it comes to sex and illegal drugs, rather trying to pile it all into a cupboard with a big sign that says ‘do not touch’. I have no interest in what people choose to get up to in their bedrooms or with whom, so long as everyone involved is a consenting adult (or indeed, farmyard animal) I believe that children are best raised by two happy parents – whether that means living in sin, married or divorced is neither here nor there. I am, in short, just about everything the Daily Mail hates. In fact, I have a badge which proudly proclaims that. So how on earth have I got addicted to their website?
I should explain. Since I joined the public sector, my web activities have been severely limited. No Twitter, Facebook et al, so I’ve had to find other ways to amuse myself. The Daily Mail’s website has so far squeaked past our taste and decency filters (which makes me question how effective they are, but however), so my general routine of a morning is to log into my e-mail, then head over to see who they are spitting bile at today. It’s hilarious. Today, for example, I learn that Kim Kardashian has laced herself into some tight bondage leggings, while Heidi Montag shows off her bikini body in Costa Rica . Women in the Daily Mail are either described as ‘proudly showing off their curves’ (which translates to ‘fat and should be ashamed of themselves’), describing the secrets of their new slimmed down body (‘told you they needed to lose weight’) or ‘giving cause for concern with their skeletal frame’ (‘which we’ll happily splash across the papers, with no self awareness that it may make the problem worse, or indeed the role we played in contributing to the whole fucking problem in the first place’). Men, on the other hand, can be absolute tubs of lard (no comment made) with the morals of an alley cat (‘well, if his wife isn’t looking after him at home, then why wouldn’t he play away?’) and that’s just fine. I don’t even bother reading any of their serious ‘news’ articles (Lesbian asylum seekers found to cause cancer!) because life is too damn short. However, the comments on all the articles are where the real comedy gold is to be found. Concerned of Tunbridge Wells (who is an expert on all things, obviously) will proclaim the definitive line on any story and woe betide anyone who disagrees. I pray to God that some of the commenters on there are trolling (in the nicest possible way) otherwise if that many stupid people exist in the UK , then we are all in serious amounts of poo.
I used to read the Daily Telegraph, on the basis that its politics were the complete opposite to my own and there’s no harm in trying to see the other side. I’m not sure I can justify the Mail in the same way; I may simply have to accept it as one of life’s guilty pleasures.
Finally, just because it’s fun and fits in, click here